all i want for christmas is you...

i love that song, btw... but this post is not necessarily related to it...

here is the beginning of a list of things i think i suck at sometimes (some of them are things i think i suck at all the time...)

1) relationships (all of them)
2) words
3) life
4) following Christ
5) accepting grace and the free gifts God has given me

lately, i've been struggling with relationships and also the concept of accepting God's free gifts... i know i've received salvation, but i think that there are so many other good things He has for me... and they're sitting there wrapped under the tree... but it's like i'm afraid of them or i don't know what to do with them or i feel like i don't deserve them...

so, a dear friend of mine encouraged me to read through John in an attempt to examine Jesus' relationships... all of them, through John's eyes...

i started the other night and have still only made it through verses 1-2...

"in the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God."

there was a reference from vs. 1 to Phil 2:6... "who, though He was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped"

this stopped me in my tracks... i am still baffled by that idea. Jesus didn't consider equality with God a thing to be grasped... what? for real? my journal is filled with pages of notes... all mixed up... "yes, Jesus does what the Father wills... in the garden, he said, 'not my will, but yours be done.' but really... Jesus is perfect. He is God... it's another trinity concept i can't grasp..."

so, then, i get to verse 2 and there was a reference to 1 john 1:2, "the life was made manifest, and we have seen it, and testify to it and proclaim to you the eternal life, which was with the Father and was made manifest to us."

which leaves me with this. Word = Jesus = Life... which reminds me of John 6:63. "The words that I have spoken to you are spirit and life."

so i'm blown away by all of this... but there is a simplicity in it, as well... so i'm just trying to figure it all out... when my pastor says, "what is the relationship of the Father to the Son?" and i can't even scratch the surface of that... like i don't get it or something... and then Chris takes it one step further and says, " okay... here's your free gift... 'as the Father has loved me, so I have loved you...' what do you do with that? what does that look like?"

and i'm still wrestling... Jesus loves me the same way the Father loves Him... it seems like it should be so easy... like a teeny-bopper love song... but it's not... and they are more than mere words...

part of me finds comfort in knowing that i can never fully know God and His thoughts... yet He knows me fully, gets my thoughts and still offers me presents...

this probably doesn't make sense to anyone but me... but then again, i'm probably the only one who will even see it...

sleepy eyes, part 2...

i guess it's the same song, second verse...

my eyes are way sleepier today than friday... that's what going to bed at 2:45 a.m. and getting up at 6 a.m. for work will do to a person... and there's a fun story behind it that i just can't share on a public arena...

why am i dumb?

however, my barista-friends (whose names i now know) provided me with a most wonderful triple-grande-cinnamon-dolce-latte... and on accident, he rung it up as a partner beverage... fyi... that means it's free...

i don't think i could love him more if i tried... i should have gotten a venti...

and i think i will be annoyed with the piped-in music at my office soon... it's a lot more noticeable when no one is here... it sounds like phantom of the opera but it's christmas music...

i guess i should get some work done... that was the reason i came in early... :)...

sleepy eyes...

my hair is curled and i have makeup on...

i'm wearing heels...

and i left for work before the sun actually came up...

thank you, barista-friends, for my coffee and with an extra discount... you're in the process of saving my life...

done....

here's what i miss about nashville:

a handful of relationships that are being nurtured and maintained on both sides...
the skyline...
a few fun places to hang out...

here's what i don't miss about nashville:

pretty much everything else...


i think i was able to do what i needed to do while i was there last weekend... i'm glad to be home. i'm glad to know who cares. i'm glad to have an incredible church family who loves me. i'm glad that i was wise enough to leave when i did. i'm glad i don't ever want to move back there. i'm glad it didn't feel like home. i'm glad i didn't feel welcome. i'm glad the pancake pantry is still great. i'm glad amy helped me move because if she hadn't, i would have died. i'm glad i wasn't completely alone. i'm glad i felt happy when i was back in little rock. i'm glad that i was met with lots of hugs and smiling faces. i'm glad those hugs and faces had strong arms to help me unload the trailer in record speed.

that's it...

on a completely separate note... i'm loving christmas music these days... pretty much the whole christmas season... maybe it's working at starbucks with the red cups... i love them... and the green and blue sleeves... and the red shirts with the green aprons... and all of that...

i get by with a little help from my friends...

i want to make a music video with my friends... but i never will... i'm just not that cool...

i write about friendship a lot... i am not exactly sure why that is... i have guesses, but i don't really know why i do so much...
so, here's another essay on friendship, with a twist... i'm sure it will not shed any new light on the concept of friendship, but writing costs way less than therapy, so here i am, upon a beautiful leather couch (in my head)...

2 concepts… I have written about them numerous times…

1) "it happens sometimes… friends come in and out of your life like busboys in a restaurant… "
I got to spend some time this week with a friend I haven't seen in years… at one point, we were inseparable… someone told us during our friendship that even though it seems like the friends you have in high school will remain your best friends throughout life, it just doesn't happen… of course, we wouldn't listen to him… even though he was right… however, last night, sitting at that table, having our dessert and drinks, it was apparent to me that, no, we might not be best friends anymore but she still is a part of my life… I suspect we will always be friends, if for no other reason than the fact that her friendship is part of my history… I'm really proud of who she is… and we agreed that even though we don't talk as much as we should that time together was fun and not a chore… that even though we've been through completely different experiences, we are, in fact, still the same people… just a bit more jaded and cynical…

2) "friends of choice vs. friends of convenience…"
I think about this a lot… last night I thought about it at church with relation to paul and aquila and priscilla (acts 18)… sometimes I have friends in my life who are friends because it's convenient… it sounds awful, I know… but in the numerous times I've moved, it's inevitable that I've had friendships that were only for a season… it was convenient to be friends with jenny because we were roommates and now that we're not, I have no idea where she lives or what she is doing… most of the time these friendships of convenience are kind of understood… like it kind of makes sense that once someone moves away that things won't be the same, for the most part…

friends of choice are much deeper friendships… regardless of moves and changes, an effort is made on each part to remain friends… to keep up with what is going on… to truly practice the art of kindness and patience and listening and giving and laughter (my favorite parts of friendship) and all the other stuff…

what I've never experienced until this move are friends who I thought were friends of choice who have dismissed me as friends of convenience… and it may be that I've just become too cynical or frustrated… but I give up… One of my favorite John Cusack set of quotes is, "I draw the line at 7 unreturned phone calls..." "This is my 8th and final call…" well, I have drawn the line… and then even called once more… but I'm really done… it's a sad day when you realize you were the friend of convenience… and it wasn't a silent understanding or even an understanding at all...

on a somewhat similar note... i hung out with 2 friends from church the other night (actually, i hang out with friends from church a lot and i always have a good time), and it was amazing and so fun... we laughed a lot and it was truly effortless... i know i'm not alone... i know friendships fade sometimes, but i'm thankful that there are new friends when the old ones decided i'm not worth their time...

maybe we should make a music video... somebody bring the camera... i'll bring the soundtrack...

Well, then I shall convert them, I am the Jehovah's coffee girl.

when i lived in washington, i drank more coffee than i seem to these days... it could have been that there was a huge abundance of starbucks locations nearby to both my home and to work... i know it seems like nashville has a ton of starbucks locations around... but here's the truth...

from my job in washington: within a 2-mile radius there were 7 starbucks stores... within a 5-mile radius, there were 22...

from my job in franklin: within a 2-mile radius there are no starbucks stores, and within a 5-mile radius, there are 7...

from my apartment in nashville: 2-mile radius - 0, 5-mile radius - 8

from my apartment in washington: 2-mile radius - 2, 5-mile radius - 8

those are just a few facts... not to mention, i passed multiple locations on my 10-15 minute commute to work in wa, and i don't pass a single location on my 20-25 minute commute to work here...

so i drank more coffee... it's not that i like it any less here, but it's not as much of a habit... i can count the number of times i've had starbucks this month on one hand... i don't know if it's just because i don't drive by locations very much at all... but it would be out of the way for me to go now... and i only go on occasion these days...

but none of this is really the point of the story... one of the reasons that i think i went to starbucks so much in vancouver was because of starbucks jason... he was my coffee guy... when i first met him, he worked at the store right down the street from my office... he was so nice and friendly... and he knew what i wanted when i went in... and he did an excellent job of making my coffee... so we got to be friends, sort-of... then he switched stores, and as it was sort-of on my way to and from work, i switched stores... i liked the feeling of knowing i could walk in and get exactly what i wanted, and see a friendly face... and most of the time if they weren't busy, he'd even come around and give me a hug... if you know anything about northwest culture, you know that doesn't happen...

and the thing about starbucks jason is that he was like that with a ton of people... one day my boss and i were chatting and i said something about "the guy that works at starbucks" and how great he was that i felt like he knew me and he always knew what i wanted... i think it was a discussion with relation to the church... and he said, "jason?" - he was friends with jason, too... and i think the best part about it was that it felt good to be known... it seemed like (and i think it's true that) jason really cared about people... that he really did care about my boss and about me... and he really loved knowing people and making them feel at ease...

at this point, i could switch and start talking about the body of christ and how encouraging and freeing it is to be around people who are not only familiar with who i am, but who really know me... a group of people who know what makes my heart beat a little faster and who would be like the believers in acts who had "all things in common" - not because they are all alike but because they share a similar passion and vision...

but this is not a discussion about the church this time...

it became apparent that starbucks jason was great at what he does... makes people feel at ease, is friendly and is obviously good enough to score repeat customers... customers who think he is great and remember his name... to this day, i still don't know starbucks jason's last name... i don't know where he grew up or what his favorite book is... i used to know a few things through random discussion... but i can't really remember... i remember what he looks like and that when he would see me, he would smile really big... maybe because it was encouraging to him to see somebody familiar... someone that he knew would be excited to see him, too...

and i missed him this week... he was brought to my mind and i missed the feeling of a familiar stranger... especially one who makes great coffee... on friday i was still housesitting and i could easily go just a bit out of the way for starbucks and even get to go through a drive-thru, which is especially helpful in starbucks runs... so i went through and had "a moment" with the guy who worked there... it was really fun... we both kind of laughed and bid each other "good days" and i thought, for a moment, "could he be my new starbucks jason?" too bad that location is not extremely convenient for my morning routine...

i think i really just want to be known... i am fully aware that starbucks jason doesn't know me... but he knew me well enough to know when he hadn't seen me in a while or that the coffee he made me was my favorite and that he added joy to my day... and that was really enough... and i hope that i can be starbucks jason to someone... and that maybe, in return, i'll find another starbucks jason soon...

words in my head...

there were a couple of different occasions this week where i heard friends say things like:

“i love the way he/she writes.”

“i wish i could write like that.”

“i don’t know how they wrote exactly what i was thinking.”

i have definitely uttered versions of these phrases if not the exact ones… i used to write a lot. now, it’s an occasional practice that seems overwhelming. i constantly have things swirling in my head. words i wish i would have said, words i wish i could take back, or words and phrases i just can’t seem to fit together to make any sense to anyone but me.

here are a few words and phrases in my head at the moment... don't worry if they don't make sense... i don't even really care if you read them... it's just a starting place for me... i'm determined to start writing again... to make sense of the jumbled up mess going on in my head... so this is just the beginning of my therapy...

"helper seeking helper"

"buddy"

"i miss my friend"

"busboys"

"home"

"circle of heads"

"lonely"

"graphic design"

"human resources"

"furniture"

"hilarious"

"cheerleader"

"closeness"

"tired"

"40 gallons of sap"

"starbucks jason"

that's all i've got for today... at some point, soon, these words might make sense... but for right now, i'm done. i'm tapping out.